She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
