OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
