Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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