can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
