swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
