My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
