We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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