i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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