You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
