dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
