running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
