I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize