We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
