If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
