Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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