just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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