I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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