Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
