So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
