So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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