First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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