just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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