She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
