So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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