I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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