She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
