I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
