i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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