that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
