guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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