FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
