On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize