I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Found the puke drawer
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
