I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
