i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
