Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i think i just lost a toe
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
