I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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