She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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