i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
