I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
