So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
