Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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