Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
