i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
