hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
