we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I am available for nakedness
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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