not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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