i already hear my dad disowning me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
