the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
