Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just blew my weed a kiss
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
