you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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