just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
