It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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