Where is the hickey?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
