Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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