I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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