Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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