I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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