Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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