Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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