oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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