i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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