It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
