i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
