How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
