how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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