4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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