the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
