I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
