if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
