hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
