what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize