If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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