What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
