I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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