It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize