so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
