dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
